Happy Birthday Baby Boy

Finally, it has arrived - Jaron John Ray had his first birthday today. We are hosting a celebration for him on Saturday, so nothing real special today for him. I sang happy birthday to him all day. He has never heard me sing that song before and he just loves it. Somehow he knows its special.

I feel so relieved that the year has past. Today was full of lots of thoughts, mostly amazement on how fast this year went by, I wish i took more pictures and video. If only I would have known that a year ago!
I am somewhat melancholy about the year being over - its hard to explain. It feels like the year was a waste. But it was a year of healing and I feel pretty healed up.
Now I look fwd to this year with Jaron - the spring showing him the flowers - the summer taking him to the creek to skip rocks - the park - the beach - camping - jet skiing! All the things that I have missed so much. Depression is such a thief in the night. It robs you from all the things you love when you aren't looking then you forget that you loved them in the first place.
The fog is starting to lift now and I am walking off the pier. The beach path is off in the distance and now I can see how to get there.

Sums it up pretty well..

RIP Jeremy

My heart breaks when I see him flip and go down. He has done this trick 100 times. But being a Strong Christian he is in a better place. MSNBC needs to fire their fact checker -his last name is LUSK not Rusk...idiots

Honorary Friday

Today is an Honorary Day ~ My ultimate favorite band. I am getting ready to leave to go up to Portland to get Mia's ears clipped.
I woke up this morning after a shity night - no sleep at all. Jaron was not having it among other things. SO walked downstairs and looked over and what was sitting there - my signed honorary cd - its was like Jarod was saying good morning. Nice
anyways - I hope Mia does well. I was not sure I wanted to get her ears done but a pinsher needs pointy ears. ttyl

Classic

My internet has been down for the last couple days. Its amazing how much I need the internet. Somebody told me a few days ago that having the internet can changes lives. I think that is so true. I am glad it is back up, I have 60 emails to read in two days.
SO I am feeling good these last days. I am so EXCITED to be going home to Apple Valley this weekend. The last week or so I have non stop thoughts about growing up and being a teenager and all the people who were in my life in those days. I am interested to look behind my closet doors. I used to have this thing were I would write thoughts on the inside - I would put dates and names of the people in my life. Walking down memory lane lately make me want to read the wall - which I have not done in many years.
It will be a fast trip but I am gonna jam pack every minute of it.

Today I am doing some work and really going to try to get my invites done to Jarons party.
Here is my song for today. Its older and check out the kings hair....that is some man bangs right there - so glad they changed that look!

Todays Song

How I am...

With the year anniversary coming up - I wonder how I am going to be. The last few months, I have been working on getting past everything. I stopped taking medicine which was so hard for me to go on in the first place. I did not have any freaky things happen during the stop time. I was worried about that. I told myself that I would only need a year to get better. I am not sure if that was the right amount of time or even if I am better - well, I am better but not the way I was. This last month has been day by day. Most days are good with a few in between that are crappy. But i was never going to know if I was better unless I tried. So far so good.
The year point is coming that triggered it all - on the 19th. I hope I wake up ok on that day. But, it will be the day after coming home from my Grammy house, I planned the trip that way so my spirits should be refreshed and renewed.

Honestly, I look at the last year of my life as waste. I wasted my time being sick and I am tired of it. I want my spirit back. This year will bring so many great things. I want to cram my summer with everything I missed out on the last two summers; camping, riding, jet skin and the tide pools. I miss those, I took an awesome biology class right before I got pregnant with jaron and I have not been able to share what I learned with Marisa and I really want too.

Its Almost been a year.....

Its now February 2009 - wow I can't believe that I just typed that.
It will be Jaron's first birthday in just a few weeks. I cannot wait for his party, his cake and all the wonderful things will come with the celebration.
He has gotten so big. I am just amazed at how fast this year has gone for him.
Although he was preemie and could have faced so much struggle..he didn't. He is smart and health and a happy little guy.