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Life flows in a straight stream. Sometimes the current is slow- like a creek in the summer time that remembers that down the path is the way it's supposed to go. There is not much water but the grooves in the sentiment channel the left over winter wash to the river to flow with all the other adjoining creeks. Each creek on the same path, all destined to end up all together
as one.
Then there is the winter rage, the rains and snow all collide into a fast torrent of water and rage. The water moves at it's on flow taking in it each drop of rain and watershed to create a force that burrows down on anything in its path.
It's all water- all heading in the same direction- all ending at the same place.
Life is the same no matter what it all heads in the same direction. The amout of time varies, some people are lucky and get a lifevest, while the rest of bob and tread water the whole way. The intensity varies. The course may vary with curves and twists. But it all ends at the same path.
Is it worth the journey?
The salmon in the end fight the raging currents to travel up stream to lay eggs. Do they know before they travel that they will die at the end of the river? If they knew, I wonder if they would still make death swim upstream.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Easter
I believe in Jesus. I beleive that he indeed walked this earth long ago. I beleive that he was the Son of God and was sent here to Earth to save us. To give us hope. To Show us the way. To set an example of what Love is. To love so much that He would give His life for others. To not only love those who worshiped him but to love ALL PEOPLE. All colors. All Races. All Genders - regardless of what they did in their lives - regardless of who those people are and who they love and how they live their lives. If he can love everyone - so can I.
He died so long ago on the cross for all people - not just the people who "walk the walk" or "talk the talk"
I beleive that I will go to heaven if I beleive in these things and I do. Therefore when I close my eyes at night, I feel that I beleive that I am ok.
I have a relationship with God and that relationship is mine alone. It is not for others to discuss, it is not to be judged. But, I do not think that there is ONE RIGHT.
The fact that I need to blog about this, confirms for me, why I loathe religion.
For me, religion is about what other people think - Man - has created to put boundaries and rules around people to keep them from exploring who and what God is all about. To form their own opinions and to seek out knowledge when they are ready too.
This is why there are over 22 major religions in the world today. Each with their own concept of God and Heaven. Each one stating that they are the TRUE one - so what? is everyone else going to Hell? In each religion there are good things and bad things. For me, I truly admire Buddhists, for the patience that they practice and the mindfulness they try to achieve. I beleive it is possible to be both a person who believes in Jesus but wants to practice a life that Buddhists strive for. I want that for myself and when I am strong enough inside, I am going to explore that.
Is that wrong? To most religions, yes it is - and here is my problem. Why does it have to be my way or they highway?
But its man who has created all these rules and boundaries.
Here is my point. I beleive in God and Jesus. I do not need to go sit in Church somewhere to find him. He is right here when I need to him. Will he magically appear when I call out his name. No. Will it give me comfort to believe in him and pray to him for hope and guidance. Sure, it will. It can't hurt right??
I do not need any talks or helping opinions on how to talk with Jesus and everything will be so much better if I get up on a Sunday and head down to the church - how that make everything all better? Because you know what - its me here on this earth, Its me that needs to make the good become a reality. It may be him that guides me and shows me the way. But in the end its all me.
So my walk with God is my own. Its private and personal and not really up for discussion after the Easter ham.
He died so long ago on the cross for all people - not just the people who "walk the walk" or "talk the talk"
I beleive that I will go to heaven if I beleive in these things and I do. Therefore when I close my eyes at night, I feel that I beleive that I am ok.
I have a relationship with God and that relationship is mine alone. It is not for others to discuss, it is not to be judged. But, I do not think that there is ONE RIGHT.
The fact that I need to blog about this, confirms for me, why I loathe religion.
For me, religion is about what other people think - Man - has created to put boundaries and rules around people to keep them from exploring who and what God is all about. To form their own opinions and to seek out knowledge when they are ready too.
This is why there are over 22 major religions in the world today. Each with their own concept of God and Heaven. Each one stating that they are the TRUE one - so what? is everyone else going to Hell? In each religion there are good things and bad things. For me, I truly admire Buddhists, for the patience that they practice and the mindfulness they try to achieve. I beleive it is possible to be both a person who believes in Jesus but wants to practice a life that Buddhists strive for. I want that for myself and when I am strong enough inside, I am going to explore that.
Is that wrong? To most religions, yes it is - and here is my problem. Why does it have to be my way or they highway?
But its man who has created all these rules and boundaries.
Here is my point. I beleive in God and Jesus. I do not need to go sit in Church somewhere to find him. He is right here when I need to him. Will he magically appear when I call out his name. No. Will it give me comfort to believe in him and pray to him for hope and guidance. Sure, it will. It can't hurt right??
I do not need any talks or helping opinions on how to talk with Jesus and everything will be so much better if I get up on a Sunday and head down to the church - how that make everything all better? Because you know what - its me here on this earth, Its me that needs to make the good become a reality. It may be him that guides me and shows me the way. But in the end its all me.
So my walk with God is my own. Its private and personal and not really up for discussion after the Easter ham.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Who will reap the reaper
Death has been here this year. Lurking - slinking around. He has been just waiting until no one is paying attention and then BAM - death takes someone from us.
Started out with Brian. He has amazing spirit. His eyes were spectacular when he talked about softball the game he loved, the stories he would tell me as I waited for Meg to finish laps. In Brian, I gave my trust too as he was the best coach I could ask for too guide my meg along the path of sports, and in this town of sporty politics. However, death lurked into his life and with despair he took his life. He left a hole in our hearts. Its the start of a new season and no one say it out loud, well sometimes we do, but we think about him every time we go to the fields. Sadly his face isl forever be rounding the bases but sadly he is not. WHY WHY WHY - the least we could have is to know why.
Then there was Barbara. She was a Mom with a heart of gold who would do anything through Jesus for the love of her children. She was taken from us when someone took a drug, drove a car and then caused Barbara's soul to be ripped from body - leaving her children and the rest of us to hope that one day we will know why. WHY WHY WHY - the least we could have is to know why.
Death was he done - NO
Adam was next. Just a short trip to Salem with Mirta and Naomi. The black car rounded the corner and in a millisecond adam was gone. The car ripped through the love of that family, Naomi seeing the life leave Adam. Mirta scream from a nightmare that she can never wake up from. Adam is gone and lost is a man who loved learning about life. His smile is all around the house, but he is not. Walking by each picture causing you to stop and remember him. WHY WHY WHY - the least we could have is to know why.
Finally death must be satisfied. Nope not today
Today we learn that another man decided life was not worth living. He was the father of Julie, she is on megs softball and basketball teams. Two dads from one Softball team..Two dads who would cheer and watch their girls hit the slam - two dads who did not think about all the tears the girls had during losing tournaments because surly if they had they would have seen what the loss of a father would shed. WHY WHY WHY - the least we could have is to know why.
Death is he done - I don't think so. There is a spirit here. Its eminent, we are only left wondering who is next and which family who will next be destroyed...I can't help but wonder when it will be mine.
Started out with Brian. He has amazing spirit. His eyes were spectacular when he talked about softball the game he loved, the stories he would tell me as I waited for Meg to finish laps. In Brian, I gave my trust too as he was the best coach I could ask for too guide my meg along the path of sports, and in this town of sporty politics. However, death lurked into his life and with despair he took his life. He left a hole in our hearts. Its the start of a new season and no one say it out loud, well sometimes we do, but we think about him every time we go to the fields. Sadly his face isl forever be rounding the bases but sadly he is not. WHY WHY WHY - the least we could have is to know why.
Then there was Barbara. She was a Mom with a heart of gold who would do anything through Jesus for the love of her children. She was taken from us when someone took a drug, drove a car and then caused Barbara's soul to be ripped from body - leaving her children and the rest of us to hope that one day we will know why. WHY WHY WHY - the least we could have is to know why.
Death was he done - NO
Adam was next. Just a short trip to Salem with Mirta and Naomi. The black car rounded the corner and in a millisecond adam was gone. The car ripped through the love of that family, Naomi seeing the life leave Adam. Mirta scream from a nightmare that she can never wake up from. Adam is gone and lost is a man who loved learning about life. His smile is all around the house, but he is not. Walking by each picture causing you to stop and remember him. WHY WHY WHY - the least we could have is to know why.
Finally death must be satisfied. Nope not today
Today we learn that another man decided life was not worth living. He was the father of Julie, she is on megs softball and basketball teams. Two dads from one Softball team..Two dads who would cheer and watch their girls hit the slam - two dads who did not think about all the tears the girls had during losing tournaments because surly if they had they would have seen what the loss of a father would shed. WHY WHY WHY - the least we could have is to know why.
Death is he done - I don't think so. There is a spirit here. Its eminent, we are only left wondering who is next and which family who will next be destroyed...I can't help but wonder when it will be mine.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
The Halo of an Anne-Girl
Daughter, Sister, Mother, Wife, Relative and Friend. These are all titles that are given to me...noticeably absent is SELF.
Expectation - to consider bound to duty or obligated.
Guilt - feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy.
Each title comes with it for me a sense of duty, expectation, and following that an inward remorse of guilt. Guilt comes from myself realizing, there is not enough hours in the day or time in my life to allow for each title to fully thrive. Besides that, there must be a need of want to excel in these roles, and right now there is not.
Ambition is a word that I have used to describe myself. In my many job interviews there is always that same question, "describe yourself in so many words" - my answer - always was ambitious. I would go on to explain my goals and my plot in life to be the best wife and mother all while being a competent and loyal employee....blah blah blah.
Was it lies? No, I don't think so. But now....it just might be! There is no active part of me that yearns to be ambitious.
I am now cruising along on autopilot. I still have all these titles to look after, which I do, but I feel only enough to get the job done. Then I feel guilty that I only just want to be halfhearted, and not full of thrive. The guilt is knowing that all these people think I have it all together and that I wear a halo. "Michelle knows the answer", "Michelle can fix it", "Mom this and Mom that". Michelle is the answer - When really I don't know the answers and if I do know them I have no energy to fix it. Honestly, in my past life I did have the answers and wanted to be the person that fixed problems - it was a need for acceptance and the fulfillment that I would get from the gratitude of others.
I no longer feel that way - its a burden.
Oh to be Anne Shirley. I think of her often - that Anne Girl. So full of spirit and spunk. Perhaps its her red hair that gives her the flare she needs to succeed. Anne with an "E" who broke her slate over Gilbert's head for teasing her. The girl is so bright and quick and eager to please but with a temper that spikes high and fast if you did her wrong. She got her teaching license in a year, won the Avery scholarship in English and goes on to marry Gilbert, have children and all while still keeping her ambition. How did she do it? What was her secret? If I could I would ask her
Expectation - to consider bound to duty or obligated.
Guilt - feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy.
Each title comes with it for me a sense of duty, expectation, and following that an inward remorse of guilt. Guilt comes from myself realizing, there is not enough hours in the day or time in my life to allow for each title to fully thrive. Besides that, there must be a need of want to excel in these roles, and right now there is not.
Ambition is a word that I have used to describe myself. In my many job interviews there is always that same question, "describe yourself in so many words" - my answer - always was ambitious. I would go on to explain my goals and my plot in life to be the best wife and mother all while being a competent and loyal employee....blah blah blah.
Was it lies? No, I don't think so. But now....it just might be! There is no active part of me that yearns to be ambitious.
I am now cruising along on autopilot. I still have all these titles to look after, which I do, but I feel only enough to get the job done. Then I feel guilty that I only just want to be halfhearted, and not full of thrive. The guilt is knowing that all these people think I have it all together and that I wear a halo. "Michelle knows the answer", "Michelle can fix it", "Mom this and Mom that". Michelle is the answer - When really I don't know the answers and if I do know them I have no energy to fix it. Honestly, in my past life I did have the answers and wanted to be the person that fixed problems - it was a need for acceptance and the fulfillment that I would get from the gratitude of others.
I no longer feel that way - its a burden.
Oh to be Anne Shirley. I think of her often - that Anne Girl. So full of spirit and spunk. Perhaps its her red hair that gives her the flare she needs to succeed. Anne with an "E" who broke her slate over Gilbert's head for teasing her. The girl is so bright and quick and eager to please but with a temper that spikes high and fast if you did her wrong. She got her teaching license in a year, won the Avery scholarship in English and goes on to marry Gilbert, have children and all while still keeping her ambition. How did she do it? What was her secret? If I could I would ask her
Dear Anne Shirley,
I am Michelle with two "L". I have grown to love and treasure you since I read your first book when I was a young girl of 9 years old. Your life triumphs inspired me to do what ever I needed to make my life happen. As a child, I watched you grow from a young girl with freckles and red hair, to a woman who seized the day, every day. I imagined that I would be just like you. But, as my life quickly sped up, my goals did not accomplish my dreams and each year I would grow more weary.
Ms. Shirley, how did you do it? How did stay strong in the mist of all your struggles and misfortunes? Was it the companionship of your bosom friend Diana, or the love from Martha? Maybe it was the red hair? But, I wonder, maybe you wear a halo too. People always expected you to be the best because that is what you were good at. Did you ever feel like giving up? And if you did, what stopped you from losing your ambition?
My ambition is on hiatus at the moment and I am sure it is pending a return, but I sure would like to know how to keep it here if it does come back. Were you ever scared and thought that even though people thought you could do it all, were your afraid that you might not be able too? Did you worry that they would someday lose faith in you?
I am just me, i just want to be loved and to love. The expectation of more seems so daunting. Thank You, Anne girl for allowing Ms Montgomery to write your life story as a guide for all of us lost out at sea. We are all looking for the lighthouse and you are a beacon of ambitious hope signaling that its OK to just be me.
Monday, March 2, 2009
The Notebook
SO I came across this youtube video and it brought me to tears. I am a total slush when it comes to the notebook. Ya I know there are these jokes out there - like when Skillz says to Luke on One Tree Hill that he has been "notebooked" meaning his girl got him whipped.
I love the notebook - you know I have never read the book and I pledge that is something I am going to do in the next month. But I watch the movie all the time. Jason and I have these weird Nite Nite things going on - there are many nights that we fall asleep to the TV sometimes its him watching his dumb movies - Happy Gilmore, ConAir, Face Off, anything with adam saddler, JOE DIRT - I HATE THAT FREAKING MOVIE!
But when I am lucky enough I get to to fall asleep to what I want. Mostly its the news - CNN i love going to sleep to that - but today I dreamed about Anderson Cooper and a good friend told me that he is gay and that totally bummed my world--ok I still think he is hot anyways...back to the NOTEBOOK.
This movie hits every nerve in my soul. I do not come from an Aristocratic family but I do love the finer things and when growing up I thought that I would be living that life. Little did I knew that a boy who had nothing to offer me but his love would come to sweep me off my feet, would take me to a place that no man had ever. That is my Jason I love him for being the man that he is. He is simple but yet so sure of his self. I have the knowing that he loves me more then anything that he has ever loved before. I am his love and he is mine. Even though the movie does not parallel our life exactly it does for me in so many ways. I know that if something happened to me, he would not leave me - he would stay with me until the end and find whatever happiness that was between us to come out just like in the movie.
This is one of MY Movies and finding this song form Coldpay - also a favorite made me want to post this blog
I love the notebook - you know I have never read the book and I pledge that is something I am going to do in the next month. But I watch the movie all the time. Jason and I have these weird Nite Nite things going on - there are many nights that we fall asleep to the TV sometimes its him watching his dumb movies - Happy Gilmore, ConAir, Face Off, anything with adam saddler, JOE DIRT - I HATE THAT FREAKING MOVIE!
But when I am lucky enough I get to to fall asleep to what I want. Mostly its the news - CNN i love going to sleep to that - but today I dreamed about Anderson Cooper and a good friend told me that he is gay and that totally bummed my world--ok I still think he is hot anyways...back to the NOTEBOOK.
This movie hits every nerve in my soul. I do not come from an Aristocratic family but I do love the finer things and when growing up I thought that I would be living that life. Little did I knew that a boy who had nothing to offer me but his love would come to sweep me off my feet, would take me to a place that no man had ever. That is my Jason I love him for being the man that he is. He is simple but yet so sure of his self. I have the knowing that he loves me more then anything that he has ever loved before. I am his love and he is mine. Even though the movie does not parallel our life exactly it does for me in so many ways. I know that if something happened to me, he would not leave me - he would stay with me until the end and find whatever happiness that was between us to come out just like in the movie.
This is one of MY Movies and finding this song form Coldpay - also a favorite made me want to post this blog
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Happy Birthday Baby Boy
Finally, it has arrived - Jaron John Ray had his first birthday today. We are hosting a celebration for him on Saturday, so nothing real special today for him. I sang happy birthday to him all day. He has never heard me sing that song before and he just loves it. Somehow he knows its special.
I feel so relieved that the year has past. Today was full of lots of thoughts, mostly amazement on how fast this year went by, I wish i took more pictures and video. If only I would have known that a year ago!
I am somewhat melancholy about the year being over - its hard to explain. It feels like the year was a waste. But it was a year of healing and I feel pretty healed up.
Now I look fwd to this year with Jaron - the spring showing him the flowers - the summer taking him to the creek to skip rocks - the park - the beach - camping - jet skiing! All the things that I have missed so much. Depression is such a thief in the night. It robs you from all the things you love when you aren't looking then you forget that you loved them in the first place.
The fog is starting to lift now and I am walking off the pier. The beach path is off in the distance and now I can see how to get there.
Monday, February 23, 2009
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