The Halo of an Anne-Girl

Daughter, Sister, Mother, Wife, Relative and Friend. These are all titles that are given to me...noticeably absent is SELF.
Expectation - to consider bound to duty or obligated.
Guilt - feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy.

Each title comes with it for me a sense of duty, expectation, and following that an inward remorse of guilt. Guilt comes from myself realizing, there is not enough hours in the day or time in my life to allow for each title to fully thrive. Besides that, there must be a need of want to excel in these roles, and right now there is not.
Ambition is a word that I have used to describe myself. In my many job interviews there is always that same question, "describe yourself in so many words" - my answer - always was ambitious. I would go on to explain my goals and my plot in life to be the best wife and mother all while being a competent and loyal employee....blah blah blah.
Was it lies? No, I don't think so. But now....it just might be! There is no active part of me that yearns to be ambitious.
I am now cruising along on autopilot. I still have all these titles to look after, which I do, but I feel only enough to get the job done. Then I feel guilty that I only just want to be halfhearted, and not full of thrive. The guilt is knowing that all these people think I have it all together and that I wear a halo. "Michelle knows the answer", "Michelle can fix it", "Mom this and Mom that". Michelle is the answer - When really I don't know the answers and if I do know them I have no energy to fix it. Honestly, in my past life I did have the answers and wanted to be the person that fixed problems - it was a need for acceptance and the fulfillment that I would get from the gratitude of others.
I no longer feel that way - its a burden.
Oh to be Anne Shirley. I think of her often - that Anne Girl. So full of spirit and spunk. Perhaps its her red hair that gives her the flare she needs to succeed. Anne with an "E" who broke her slate over Gilbert's head for teasing her. The girl is so bright and quick and eager to please but with a temper that spikes high and fast if you did her wrong. She got her teaching license in a year, won the Avery scholarship in English and goes on to marry Gilbert, have children and all while still keeping her ambition. How did she do it? What was her secret? If I could I would ask her

Dear Anne Shirley,
I am Michelle with two "L". I have grown to love and treasure you since I read your first book when I was a young girl of 9 years old. Your life triumphs inspired me to do what ever I needed to make my life happen. As a child, I watched you grow from a young girl with freckles and red hair, to a woman who seized the day, every day. I imagined that I would be just like you. But, as my life quickly sped up, my goals did not accomplish my dreams and each year I would grow more weary.
Ms. Shirley, how did you do it? How did stay strong in the mist of all your struggles and misfortunes? Was it the companionship of your bosom friend Diana, or the love from Martha? Maybe it was the red hair? But, I wonder, maybe you wear a halo too. People always expected you to be the best because that is what you were good at. Did you ever feel like giving up? And if you did, what stopped you from losing your ambition?
My ambition is on hiatus at the moment and I am sure it is pending a return, but I sure would like to know how to keep it here if it does come back. Were you ever scared and thought that even though people thought you could do it all, were your afraid that you might not be able too? Did you worry that they would someday lose faith in you?
I am just me, i just want to be loved and to love. The expectation of more seems so daunting. Thank You, Anne girl for allowing Ms Montgomery to write your life story as a guide for all of us lost out at sea. We are all looking for the lighthouse and you are a beacon of ambitious hope signaling that its OK to just be me.